


Accueil

by orphan_account



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Chapter Warnings in Notes, Chronic Emptiness, Dissociation, Other, Pretty Stars, Sad Kids trying to be Happy, Sense of Self, THIS IS A HAPPY FIC, Unstable Image of Self
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-04-10
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-01-18 18:46:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1438939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stars are not the perfect and clean beings everyone else makes them out to be. They can be just as unstable, and lonely, and hurt, as everyone else. Sometimes humans have to help them heal from their fall, too.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. You Don't Want To Be Alone

**Author's Note:**

> This is so gay and has a lot more Rei than I expected which is so great I'm so glad I don't think I could handle it being just these two losers all the time, wow. This chapter is a lot happier than the Tags imply but trust me when I say it gets worse/better. （ゝ。∂）
> 
> Warning: Blood, injuries, etc. are all talked about but not described very graphically. No one dies though so no worries.

When you’re 14, you meet your first star. Your dad found zir, and apparently had been raising zir for a while without you knowing. He said zir name was Rei Ayanami. You knew ze was a star because ze matched the descriptions of stars you had heard before from other adults. All stars were known for their oddly colored light hair and red eyes, and for the fact that all humans had a desire to be with them and protect them. You were taught that while it’s unknown how stars do this, it is known that it’s done for their own safety. Sometimes you wish you could do the same.

It took a while, at first, to get used to having a being around that wasn’t even from earth. As normal and easy it felt to hang around zir, a lot of the time when you were alone the thought that Rei wasn’t really human made you feel freaked you out. You try your best to ignore those feelings. You keep walking.

It takes a while before you realize you're walking down the beach, water just barely lapping at your shoes as you walk with your head facing the ground.  The music from your headphones drift through your ears as a distraction from the rest of the world. You wonder if you could just continue on like this, walking without a destination to get to while your music stops you from getting tired or having to return to your world.

You don't really have any place to return to, you have your house where Rei might be and your father definitely won't be, but it's not a place you have to be. You're not needed there so you decide not to go back at all today. You don’t think anyone will care anyway.

As you’re walking you don’t see what’s under your feet and trip over something. You fall forward into the sand, scratching the palms of your hands and knees. Quickly looking back to see what caused you to trip, you notice a body laying on the sand. Panic grips your heart for a moment, scared that you had just fallen over a corpse. You turn around to check it out, hesitating in case this was some sick trick. The body is curled on its side, and as you turn it on its back you realize that its not dead, but passed out.

You also notice one other thing. It’s a star. A just landed one, at that. It has long, silver hair, and what looks like glittering freckles. Its limbs are nearly bone thin and pale enough to blend into snow, making it look fragile. As you check out the body, you realize you have a golden liquid on your hands. It strikes you that it is star blood, bleeding out from its side, and you realize that if you don't get it help, it will be a corpse soon. Not giving yourself time to think, you pick up the star, bleeding side against your stomach as you run back to your house. The hospital is at the other side of town and you know full well they aren't prepared to take care of a star.

You nearly trip over your feet as you race across town, feeling relieved once you get to your front door. You have to put it down a bit as you take your keys out of your pocket, slamming them into the keyhole and running inside. You get into the kitchen when you find Rei sitting at the dinner table. Ze gives you a shocked look and asks what happened as you lay the star on the floor and explain how you found it. You tell zir to get you a first aid kit as you use a dish towel to try and stop the bleeding.

When ze brings it to you, you start to clean out the wound. It has short cuts going along its torso and a long cut that goes from the bottom of its rib cage to the beginning of its thigh. You think about giving it stitches for a moment before you watch as one of the smaller cuts starts to close up and heal. The healing rate of stars didn't occur to you, but now that you think about it the star will only need to be wrapped up and get rest. You let Rei do up the bandages (ze's better at it from having to do it zirs zirself so many times) and you clean up the blood of the floor.

Rei asks you if you plan on letting it stay here, and stutter out a yes. You both pause, looking at the new star and wondering its name, knowing you know nothing about it. You break the silence by telling zir you'll just go bring the star to your room now so you can put it in your bed and ze nods. You pick up the star once again and bring it to your room, feeling awkward about tucking it into bed as if it was a child you were taking care of. You feel weird about standing over it while it’s asleep but you’re too scared to move away, as if it will shatter the second you leave it alone.

You try to stay like that for the rest of the night, until you fall asleep on the floor. You wake up the next day with the light from the sun hitting your face and the star gone. You get up quickly and look around your room, wondering if it left you already. You panic as you think of what would happen to it, being newly fallen and out in the world. You run out of your room and down the stairs racing into the kitchen to see the star and Rei sitting at the dinner table talking. Rei has a book in front of her and the star if trying to figure out how to eat a piece of toast which Rei must of gotten for it.

“So you’re awake,” says Rei, looking over at you, and the star turns around to look at you too. Its long hair is in its face as it gives you a quizzical look. Your face turns red with both of their eyes on you. You’re the only human being in this room.

“Are you the one who saved me?” The star asks,  and it’s the first time you’ve heard it speak. It’s voice sounds like a song, soft and airy and your eyes widen before you respond.

“Ah, I, guess? Yeah,” You say, not really thinking about it like that. It feels weird to say you saved it, but when you look back at it, that’s exactly what you did. It’s face lights up after you say this, literally, as in its cheeks start glowing with a bright light. You forgot that stars glow when they’re happy or blushing.

“Thank you,” It says to you with face still glowing. You let out a breath as you tell it that it was no problem and take a seat beside it. It continues to eat in silence as Rei reads zir book. You sit there, not sure what to do so you break the silence.

“W… what’s your name?” You say. It swallows its toast, and looks away from you. You panic for a second, thinking you might have asked the wrong question.

“Tabris,” it responds in a voice so quiet you almost miss it.

“Tabris?” You ask, wondering if you might have heard wrong. It nods. “Do you not want to go by that name?” You ask, and it nods again.

“What do you want me to call you, then?” You ask.

“Nagisa .. Nagisa Kaworu,” They say, looking happier with that name.

“Okay,” You say, nodding “Nagisa Kaworu. I like it, it suits you.” Their face lights up again and you can’t tell whether their happy or blushing or both.

You spend the rest of the day making sure Kaworu is doing okay. You change their bandages every few hours and make sure they don’t faint or something. You know you’re worrying them like a mother with a child, but you don’t know what else to do in this situation. You brush their hair and put in into a low ponytail with a scrunchie so that its out of their face. You notice that their hair goes down to mid waist and you think to yourself that it’s kinda cute.

They ask you lots of questions about humans, and you try your best to answer each one. In return you ask them what it’s like in space and do you feel the cold up there? They laugh and answer no, they didn’t even have this body to feel anything before falling to earth. There’s silence for a minute as you’re both reminded that you’re different species entirely, but Kaworu manages to dispel the awkwardness by asking you another question. You continue like that, talking and laughing and explaining all you know about the world to them, trying to make it sound as nice as possible.

Hours later Kaworu points out that it’s dark out so you decide to go to bed. You set up an extra bed for them to sleep on and get into your own bed.

“You know,” says Kaworu, “I’m really glad you found me, I don’t know where I’d be without you.” You shrug.

“You’d be dead, probably,” you respond.

“Yeah,” they say, “Well, it must have been fate, then, that you found me.” This time you laugh. You won’t say it but you think so, too.


	2. Doe Eyes You're Kidding Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaworu isn't homesick, just sick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this entire chapter within a day cuz i got Writing Fever RIP in piss
> 
> Warning: huge emetophobia warning like this chapter is Grose im sorry

The next time you wake up, it’s to the sound of choking. You sit up quickly and look over to where the sounds are coming from, only to find Kaworu curled up on their side, shaking. You fling yourself out of the bed to their side, trying to see what’s wrong.

Kaworu is nearly hyperventilating, eyes wide open and pupils dilated as choked noises come out of their mouth. You can feel yourself panicking as you try to find out the cause of it, only to see that you almost sat down on a small pile of vomit. The feeling of being grossed out only lasts for a few seconds before you realize they are about to throw up again, at which point you pick them up and take them to bathroom so they can throw up in the toilet.

You hold back as much of their hair as you can manage as they spit out the lining of their stomach into the toilet, and you try not to think of how disgusting it smells. Once they finish, you hear them start sobbing a little bit, and you know it’s because of how awful it is for stars going through the process of adjusting to being human. You awkwardly pat their back as you try to imagine what they’re going through.

All you really know is from the stories you overhear at school. Star’s souls alway reject the human body at first after it’s developed, leading to episodes like this. Vomiting, panic attacks, clawing at their skin subconsciously are all things people have seen while housing a star. You never really listened to them, because you never thought you’d be taking care of any star (you don’t think you really take care of Rei, when it seems like ze more or less takes care of you).

It takes a minute or two, but Kaworu lifts their head up and looks at you with puffy red eyes and miserable look on their face, whispering out the start to an apology before passing out on your lap. You lean over and flush the toilet, and use toilet paper to clean the seat just in case. Reflecting on the past few minutes, you sit there on the floor of the bathroom running your hands th

rough Kaworu’s hair and staring at the wall.

When you finally decide to get up, you realize that Kaworu is still shaking. Their skin is cold as ice and it strikes you for the first time that stars do feel things as humans do, including cold bathroom floors at four in the morning. You lay their head gently on the floor as you go to leave the bathroom and go to Rei’s room. You tiptoe in, hoping not to wake zir, picking up a long white nightgown off the floor for Kaworu to wear.

Going back into the bathroom, you wake Kaworu long enough to get the nightgown on them and get them in a position so you can easily lift them up and bring them back to bed.

You lay them down on your bed, and walk over to the mess of blankets where they were sleeping. You pick them all up off the floor, careful not to touch the vomit, and bring it to the laundry room to put in the washer. You put it on and leave the room, exhaustion finally setting in and wanting to just sleep.

As you’re walking down the hall, Rei walks out of zir room and looks at you, confused.

“What are you doing?” Ze asks in a quiet voice, rubbing zir eyes.

“Kaworu threw up and I had to clean it up. It’s no big deal, you can go back to bed.” You tell zir, waving your hand as you walk by. Ze nods, knowing what it’s like to be newly fallen. Ze walks back into zir room as you do the same, and silence falls on the house once again. Save for the washer machine going on, of course.

You crawl into bed with Kaworu, too tired to think of a reason why you shouldn’t. You lay facing them, face a few inches away from theirs. You can barely keep your eyes open, but you do anyway, captivated by Kaworu’s sleeping face. Their face is relaxed now even though their eyes are still semi-swollen. There is a slight glow dusting their cheeks, highlighting the glittering freckles across their face. You brush a few strands of hair out of their face and notice their eyebrows are knitted together as if they were worried about something. On impulse, you raise your face to their forehead and place a light kiss in between their brows. Their face relaxes beneath your touch so you lay back down and close your eyes.

“Goodnight, Kaworu,” You whisper so quietly you’re not quite sure if the words actually left you mouth, “Goodnight.”

And finally, you can sleep.

-

Your world is spinning but there is no ground. Your head spins to each side to try and see what’s happening. Everything is painted black and there is glowing all around you. Blues and purples and reds are mixed into the air and you breathe in its sweet scent. Your mind tells you that this is space.

You look down and see nothing, not even your own self. There is no corporeal form for you here. Shining dust circles where your body could be, would be, if it were allowed to exist here, and you feel calm. Calmer than you have in a long time, with everything you deal with on a daily basis.

The calm breaks when you lift your head again. There stands Kaworu, covered in mist and light. Their face is stone and they are expressionless. They reach out their hand to you, and as they do their hand starts to become covered in red blood. You reach out back as quick as possible, wanting to be near them, to see what’s wrong. As your hands touch them, however, they start to fade out. You scream but no sound comes out, so you focus on making sure they don’t disappear. Every touch causes them to turn back into dust and tears fall down your face.

Suddenly, everything is reset. You are back at where you started and Kaworu once again stands in front of you. This time, they’re different. Their hair is little bit shorter, their blood glows a bit more. You reach out again and your touch, once again, causes them to fade.

This cycle continues for what feels like years until they are nothing more than their core and you have a complete form. You have not stopped trying to scream.

Then, you open your eyes.

The sun shines in through the window and you shield your eyes from its light. The clock says it’s 10AM and honestly, you did not wake up for this. You look around a bit, and see that Kaworu is still asleep. They look much better now that they don’t have their head bent over a toilet seat, but you don’t say that.

“Good morning,” You say instead, brushing the hair out of their face, a surprising familiar gesture. They open their eyes a bit to look up at you and mutter a slurred good morning back, burying their head into the pillow. You laugh and lay back down.

Staring at the ceiling, you wonder a bit about your dream last night. You can only remember bits and pieces, like blood turning gold and the space around you being dark and colorful. You don’t want to dwell on it, but it keeps bothering you, clawing at the back of your mind. Like many things in your life, you choose to ignore it.

“Shinji!” Rei calls up to you from downstairs.

“Yeah?” You ask.

“Can you help me with breakfast?” Ze asks, and you sigh. Sitting up, you shout out an okay to zir. Kaworu grabs around your waist and asks you to stay in bed. You tell them you can’t, because you need to cook breakfast. They huff, and let go to turn away from you. It’s funny to see them like this, and definitely more relieving than seeing them struggling to breath, so you smile as you leave.


	3. Ways To Make It Through The Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh no why is everything drama with Kaworu?! (It's because Kaworu is drama) (No warnings for this chapter except maybe mentions of food)

When you come back with breakfast, Kaworu is nowhere to be found. You run first to the bathroom to check if they had another episode. When you find it’s empty, you turn around to search the rest of the house. Rei notices what you’re doing and asks what’s wrong but you ignore zir in favor of hastily tying up your shoes and running out the door. It’s warm enough that you regret stopping to put on a jacket. As you look around, you can feel the world expand around you. The roads are so long and feel like mud beneath your feet while the ground stretches on and on.

You freeze. You have no clue what to do or where to go. How far could a sick star get? What if their already dying somewhere? (Why did they leave you?) What if you can’t save them? (Why do you care so much?) Where did they go? You couldn’t have failed already.

You call Asuka. And get exactly one sentence in before she’s freaking out with you. Surprisingly it’s not because of how early you woke her up.

“SHINJI!” She yells at you over the phone. “Firstly, when the hell did you start raising a fucking star?!” (You interrupt to say you’re not raising them, but taking care of them while they’re newly fallen, but she keeps talking.) “Secondly, how the hell did you lose it already.”

“I don’t know!” You say, defeated. “I was just making breakfast and when I came back they were gone! I don’t know what to do. Please help me, Asuka.” She huffs.

“Fine. But only because I don’t want you to kill the damn thing after only knowing it for what, a day?”

“They’re not a thing,” You mutter, but she’s already hung up. You sigh, putting your phone in your pocket. You’re tapping your foot against the ground as you (in)patiently wait for Asuka. The time helps you calm down a bit, reasoning in your head to make yourself feel better. After all, they have no clue where they’re going, they’re sick, and they might just get scared and go home. You haven’t failed them yet. You haven’t.

You see Asuka walking down the street a few minutes later so you run over to her. She has Mari with her and you don’t think to ask about it before going into a explanation of what happened and what Kaworu looks like. She nods and takes in all the information like someone would for an important mission and Mari also listens attentively. Then, something makes Mari’s face light up as she interrupts you.

“OH! That sounds like what I saw in the forest as we were walking by.” You look at her in shock for moment before it clicks that a star probably wouldn’t like to be trapped within a small house for that long. You think you know why they would leave for the forest.

You don’t even ask why they were in the forest before you start running in the direction they same from.

Asuka yells behind you to stop or wait or something, you can barely hear her. They’re running with you a second later in the direction of where Mari saw them. Leafs brush against your body as you stumble around frantically looking for Kaworu. You hope to God they aren’t hurt.

The sun is rising higher in the sky and you’re still searching, completely tired and ready to give up. Asuka keeps going relying on Mari to tell her if she sees them. Out of breath, you sit down and lean against a tree. You’re still worried and you can feel the reassurance that Mari and Asuka could find them has started to fade.

The forest is big and you’re starting to feel a little hopeless. You raise your head to the sky as if to ask it where its star has gone. They sky doesn’t answer you but Kaworu, at the top of the tree you’re leaning against, does.

“Hi,” They whisper, tears in their eyes. You’re shocked. Kaworu climbs down from the tree as you stand up. Their face is a few inches from yours and you can see they’ve been crying. They collapse onto you without warning and you quickly fold your arms around them. Unsure of what to do you whisper reassurances into their ear.

“It’s okay,” You say but it sounds like a lie and they cry into your shirt. You’re still confused.

“It’s okay,” You promise them like a parent telling their kids that the world is good.

“I’m sorry,” They say back. ‘I’m sorry for being trouble,’ That goes unspoken.  ‘I never should have fallen,’  You hope they don’t say.

“It’s okay,” You whisper again. ‘You don’t have to leave me.’

“Thank you,” Is the last word between you before Mari and Asuka run over to you. Mari looks triumphant while Asuka is out of breath and has her hands on her knees.

“Finally,” She says, annoyed, “Goddammit, you could have at least told us you found the thing.” You almost interrupt again that Kaworu is not a thing but hold your tongue. You don’t want her too mad at you.

“Well, looks like we ought to be going home now,” Mari interrupts, grabbing yours and Asuka’s arm. You pull Kaworu along with you and you all start to walk back to your place. According to your watch, it’s almost 2:00pm. You’re hungry. You ask if Asuka and Mari want to go out to lunch with you and Kaworu after asking Kaworu if they want to eat. You promise to pay as a thank you for helping him search for Kaworu.

You can tell Asuka was going to say no until hearing the offer of free food which makes you laugh. Kaworu gives you a weird look but joins you. Any worries you had this morning wash away with the shake of your shoulders while your laughter fills the space. Things feel light again, somehow.

You stop at the nearest restaurant where Asuka complains about the menu and Mari orders nearly the entire thing. You sit with Kaworu and ask them what they like but they shrug, they’ve only had a simple piece of toast since they’ve fallen. They ask if you can just get something for them. You agree and get them something small just in case they don’t like it or throw up again like they did last night.

Later on while everyone else was leaving Kaworu tells you thank you again, but this time it doesn’t sound like an apology. You tell them it’s no problem. Asuka and Mari go the opposite way as you two and finally it is quiet.

Clouds cover the sun like it’s taking a nap and the cooler weather feels like a breather after a such a busy day. You walk silently with Kaworu and try to appreciate the time it takes to walk home.

Sometime when you are halfway home you notice that Kaworu is shivering a bit. They’re only wearing shorts and a tank top so you give them your jacket. Their face reddens as you hand it to them and you feel a bit flustered as well. It’s a simple gesture but it feels intimate with them. It can’t be helped, you guess, they don’t have anyone else right now to be close to.

“Thank you,” It’s the third time they’ve said that today, “I know I’m being rude, taking so much from you without giving anything in return.” You tell them it’s no big deal, you don’t mind helping.

“I’ll pay you back.” They say firmly. You’re too shocked to respond. “Somehow, I swear it.” You gulp, knowing a stars promise is serious.

“Okay,” You say, “Thank you, Kaworu.” They give you a confused look.

“For what? I haven’t done anything for you yet.” You laugh.

“Yes, you have.” They aren’t any less confused, but you’re nearly trembling with joy. You’ve never met someone who was so eager to provide help. Who wanted to help you. It’s… exhilarating, this kind of appreciation.

* * *

Rei greets you at the door with a look of worry. You completely forgot to call zir to tell zir you found Kaworu. Breakfast is still on the table and it looks nearly the same as you left. Ze stops pacing and walks up to you quickly.

“You found...?” Ze questions.

“Yes, I’m sorry I didn’t call you earlier.” You try to sound pitiful and ze lets out a breath of air.

“It’s… fine. As long as they’re safe.” Zir voice is quiet as they take Kaworu in the house and question them quietly. Kaworu is happy to answer but their demeanor changes as Rei talks. They talk somberly until Rei nods. Ze hugs them and goes up to zir room. You feel awkward and don’t know what to do.

You tell Rei and Kaworu that you’re going to rest for a while. But you don’t just because todays events left you extremely exhausted, but to stay out of their way while they talk. You’re almost scared to overhear them. You wonder briefly if Rei is convincing Kaworu to leave if they want. You shake the thought out of your mind. That just sounds silly, Rei would never do that. You attempt to sleep.


End file.
